instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
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*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Imma just leave this here…………
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain