Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
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Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.