@iAmGolfy: Instead of "Who's your daddy?" I accidentally said "How's your daddy?" and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father's cholesterol
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@bobvulfov: [hunting] DAD: dont scare him ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute DEER: holy shit DAD: what did i just say
@mattgallo123: This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you're wondering how I do with first impressions.
@RuinMyWeek: [God & his assistant making giraffes] ASST: Say "when" once the neck is long enough, k? *God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
@NervousJr: Friend: your not going to believe this but my whole family was killed in a freak accident! Me: *you're