Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
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shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Yup.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.