@pleatedjeans: When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options: 1. Donate to Goodwill 2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius

@imteddybless: [cool person follows me] me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it's only good tweets from here me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?

@mrtruthandsoul: Twitter is the government's elaborate plan to keep us all off the streets

@torrami: Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage :(

@juliussharpe: Everyone can stop painting. We all have cameras that can take perfect pictures of everything.