Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
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Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.