Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
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I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Monday?
No. Next question.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out