INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
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My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!