I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
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I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS