kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
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A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days