Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
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Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Real House Wines.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
#TopTip
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.