Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
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They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
my sentiments exactly
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!