Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
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[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.