INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
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women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
What do you hear?
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Thursday
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
😂💯
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands