INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
You Might Also Like
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.