@mommy_cusses: Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
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@Matt_the_1st: Cop: do you know why I pulled u over? Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there Cop:.... Me:.. Cop: sir, your tailamp is out Me:...
@tyleroakley: The 11th commandment was, "Talk shit, get hit" but God totally didn't have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
@JohnLyonTweets: Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
@gerryhallcomedy: My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She'll have cereal.