@mommy_cusses: Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
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@AnOrangeSNES: I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
@jonnysun: ME: genie, i wish i was dead GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left ME: i dont think u understood
@WritePlay: *date* GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs? LOBSTER: That's like the third time you've asked me that.
@PoliticallyILL1: I'm sick of closing out every job interview with "I was young. I needed the money."