@mommy_cusses: Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
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@brookeisgolden: An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time. The bartender says, "I'm gonna need to see your cardigan."
@bingowings14: My hangover has been going on for so long that I'm beginning to wonder if Peter Jackson directed it.
@iwearaonesie: 9: Have you seen my harmonica? [flashback to me smashing it with a hammer] me: Did you look under your bed?