Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
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Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
me doing my best
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
[INFOMERCIAL]
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked