@mommy_cusses: Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
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@WesTheFatKid: Pro tip: "Hold my drink" is not a proper response to "License and registration, please." ...... apparently.
@SteveDutzy: *logs on Facebook IT'S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY'S BIRTHDAY TODAY! *logs off WAIT COME BACK! YOU HAVEN'T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX'S ENGAGEMENT!
@shegotagronk: Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he's taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
@fro_vo: Evil Queen: mirror- Hand Mirror: what Evil Queen: mirror- Hand Mirror: WHAT Evil Queen: on the wall Hand Mirror: oh shit sorry