Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
You Might Also Like
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.