Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
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Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.