When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
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The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*