Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
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Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Barbie gone wild
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial