[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
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hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
This is not me but this is me
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..