I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
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We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.