Intelligence is the new cleavage
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me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.