Intelligence is the new cleavage
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Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.