[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
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You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.