[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
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I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.