@MattElGato: *intercom comes on* "Would the owner of a white Jetta with headlight eyelashes please report to the front desk so u can be shot in the face"
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@girl_a_whirl: I've reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I've attached it to the leg of a deer. I was born to run.
@Kyle_Lippert: Steps to getting into her pants: 1) Wait for her to fall asleep 2) Take her pants off 3) Put them on yourself 4) Find a top that matches
@lyric_intent: [Broken Air Conditioner] Her:*sweaty* how did the pioneers ever survive without A/C? *sweating audibly* well, they're all dead, aren't they?
@Sean_Burgundy_: People usually stop coming over to your house when you greet them with "Make yourself at home, BUT WHATEVER YOU DO DON'T OPEN THE FREEZER."