[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
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In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I never needed anything more in my life
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
pep talk
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
The absolute effort that went into this omg
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.