[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
You Might Also Like
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.