Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.