If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
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Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.