“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
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If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks