“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
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“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
*has no idea what a book even is*
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.