Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
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Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Do one person every day that scares you.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.