Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
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A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
why no one uses midhusbands
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.