Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
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What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.