*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
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Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day