*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
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The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.