My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
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“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Pickled cat.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds