*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
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I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast