Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
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Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.