The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
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°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
I’m too immature for adultery.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule