#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
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Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one