#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
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A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not