Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
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Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”