Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
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me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
a lot to unpack here
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
listen closely
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.