Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
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An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one