@michaelianblack: Internet, just because I bought shoes from you once doesn't mean I'm going to do it again. You're coming across as desperate.
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@AbbyHasIssues: 1. Rage against the machine. 2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in. 3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
@Not_Uncle_Hoot: I made the kids put sunglasses on the snowman so he wouldn't have to make eye contact with the neighbors.
@AndyAsAdjective: [therapy session] THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park ME: nuh uh
@HungoverLawyer: Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don't want to touch it any more than you do.