Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
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[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here: