[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
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About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
🙄😏😂🤣
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group