[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
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Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
guilty
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps