[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
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“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.