[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
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When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Pretty much. 🤣
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.